Shame, Shame

"There's shames a man can never reason away, though he looks back and piles up reasons over them forty dozen deep. 

And maybe those are the shames a man never should reason away."

(Ken Kesey, Sometimes a Great Notion)

Have you ever felt ashamed of your actions? Have you wished that you could take back words carelessly thrown at someone? This last week I lambasted my brother in a most uncharacteristic and vulgar fashion. Reacting in a surprising way to elements of the conversation, I lashed out with such anger that it entirely caught me off guard. It was like the sudden appearance of a prairie storm, sunny skies turning grey and ominous, a crack of thunder preceding wind and rain. 

I don't know where it came from, and like a thunder storm, it left as quickly as it blew in. The wind and hail did some damage though. A wind-fallen tree cannot be righted; one can only plant new trees and hope that they grow.

I felt shamed by my actions and as I drove home I wished with all my might that I could turn back time. That evening I watched a movie called "Next" about a man who could see two minutes into the future. It allowed him to observe the consequences of his actions before they happened. Wow. Do I wish that I had seen the storm coming - I'd have diverted its wrath.

So, the next day I phoned my brother and apologized. I love my brother with all my heart and his gracious response is a potent reminder of the power of forgiveness. We will plant new trees, he and I - and we will likely continue to poke each other's buttons, and to grow in love. Other storms will come and go, prairie winds that ravage the trees of our being. The storms pass and in their wake the sun cuts brilliantly through the clouds and in the stillness a song bird dares to sing. If there is any hope for humanity it lies entirely in forgiveness.

Now I need only forgive me, and that may take a bit of time.

To you that have ever felt shame - you have my compassion. May the wounds of our words be healed and our inner light shine as brightly as Love intends :-)

We will err and we will wound - to do so is human perhaps. More human yet - to venture boldly beyond our wounds, and our woundings to be the love that lies at the core of our being.

I leave the last word to Reinhold Niebuhr:

"Forgiveness is the final form of love."

Pastor Bill

Breathe in

grace

gentle

renewing

releasing

Breathe out

and

just

be

[First published July 4, 2012]