The Color of Shame

“If we can share our story

with someone who responds

with empathy and understanding,

shame can't survive.” 

(Brené Brown, Daring Greatly)

Carefully woven into the tapestry of my story are many broken and tangled threads. Some are colored with shades of loss or fear; others, though few in number, are of the dark hews dyed by the experience of shame. I will not subject you to tales of this heart's slow human journey of awakening; suffice it to say that I have caused wounding, and in so doing, became bathed in shame for the suffering caused by the raw power of anger and thoughtlessness

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” 

(C.G. Jung)

Brene Brown states that guilt informs us that our actions are "bad," while shame tells us that we are "bad." Big difference here. Guilt is a blinking light on the dashboard of our life. It warns us that we have veered off of the path. Guilt has whispered, and sometimes shouted to me many times when I have lost sight of who I am, and the reason I am in this life - to be Love. 

Shame, though, is powerless to build us up, for it does not speak any truth about our being. I do not know of any instance where shaming provided the energy for a person's growth in mind, heart, or spirit.

“Shame corrodes the very part of us

that believes we are capable of change.” 

(Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me)

I have given up holding on to shame over my yesterdays. Forgiveness was a part of the path to releasing this shame; compassion was the other part. As some point I reflected back on those memories, standing off to the side, watching scenes unfold. As I did so I realized, with loving-kindness, that I had acted the best I could under the circumstances of life. If I had been more self-aware, more awakened, I would have responded differently. If I was then as I am now... but that was not the case. Am I excused? No. Does grace suffuse yesterday's woundings? Yes.

The key to releasing shame, I have discovered, is in going back and wrapping compassion around the entire story. All of the characters, each emotion, the choices and actions - all bathed in the light of compassion. Then the gift of forgiveness has a chance to take root. This is crucial - that today's self unleash forgiveness for our yesterday's. 

“Shame is always easier to handle

if you have someone to share it with.” 

(Craig Thompson, Blankets)

Another story: I work with men who have perpetrated acts of domestic violence. These brothers of mine, gifts of Light and Love, have been horribly broken in life, and have perpetuated that brokenness with their partners and children. In response, their hearts have bathed them in guilt, and this guilt has driven them to seek change, to awaken to their potential as healers. They have also, however, felt the suffocating grasp of shame, snuffing out any Light that might heal and renew. Some relief comes to them as they tell their stories, becoming vulnerable to the scrutiny, and deep compassion, of their brothers.

“Shame isn't a quiet grey cloud;

shame is a drowning man

who claws his way on top of you,

scratching and tearing your skin,

pushing you under the surface.”

(Kirsty Eagar, Raw Blue)

Perhaps we have all had threads of shame woven into our cloth. If so, it is time that we spoke out, created sacred and safe places to tell our story, to experience forgiveness, to release yesterday's poison from today's cup of life. If you feel shame today - you have my compassion. Nobody's yesterday should be given the power to dictate, or define their today. 

I leave the last word to Stanley Kunitz:

“I can hardly wait for tomorrow,

it means a new life for me

each and every day.” 

(Stanley Kunitz)

The color of shame...

poison in the wine.

My own heart

charged

tried

and convicted

itself

Until Love

was released

into

the castle of my being

flooding

chambers

long enclosed

in darkness

Breathe

Forgive

Be

To Ponder Further:

- From the Bible: "My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous." (1 John 2.1)

- From Mohawk Tradition: "Every person has both a bad heart and a good heart. No matter how good a man seems, he has some evil. No matter how bad a man seems, there is some good about him. No man is perfect."

- From Hinduism: "God the Rescuer,
God the Savior,
Almighty, whom we joyfully adore,
Powerful God,
Invoked by all men,
May he, the bounteous, grant us his blessings." 

(Rig Veda 7.100.4)