Falling Down .... and Getting Back Up

“You are so weak. Give up to grace.

The ocean takes care of each wave till it gets to shore.

You need more help than you know.” 

(Rumi)

Have you ever been down on yourself, heard the voice of self-judgment whispering in your ear? It happens to me sometimes and I think, "what a useless lout am I!" Try as I might I am not as gentle or as patient or as self-disciplined or as strong as I want to be. I would like to be what I know I am capable of, but I have not grown to that place yet. Like a toddler  who can crawl and sees the potential for running and leaping and dancing, but after a few faltering steps falls to the floor. That's me. I know about running, leaping and dancing, but I have barely mastered crawling and standing. 

I need to be patient with me; that too is a challenge. Growing into who God intends for us to be is a slow and careful journey. It takes time for God's Love to sand down the rough edges, to smooth away the unnecessary bits; it takes time for experience to ferment into wisdom. Sometimes it seems I am more bits and less wisdom, but that is just the Old Adam talking, the unhelpful voice of the ego. It is always harassing me, telling me I am not good enough. That voice has forgotten about my roots, my origin, my source.

When I am berated by that dark inner voice I go back to the beginning of my story - way back, past my birth, past my parent's births - way, way back. To humanity's birth. There, in the womb of the world God breathed ruach, the Spirit of God's essence into humanity to give us life. Upon our being was imprinted the very mark of God for we were made in God's image. When I become despondent about myself, or about humanity and its ills I go back to Genesis 1 and 2. I go back to the beginning where Love says to me, and to you - "you are made like Me; you are intentionally created full of wonder, full of potential that you have not begun to explore... I look upon you and you are good."

I crawl, I stand, I fall. Again and again. But each falling is a learning, and God never leaves my side, Love's strong words of encouragement filling my ears, urging me to stand again, take another step. So I take a deep breath and go out into the world today. I'm only crawling, but even crawling is a wonder and I trust Genesis 1; I am made like God, full of the power of Love, full of creative potential, and desperately wanting to realize what it means to be a human being crafted by God's hands, filled with God's breath and powered by God's Love.

Falling sucks, but in the falling I am learning about being God's. I am learning about forgiveness, about being held in God's heart; I am learning about something beautiful within me that is slowly growing and glowing and unfolding. I don't know if you can relate to all this rambling, but if you've ever fallen you may understand how deeply we need to hear Love's voice giving us the encouragement to get up, try again, to believe in who made us and the awesome purpose that is our reason for being in this world. We are here to reflect God, to reveal Love, to be healers, builders, creators, renewers. Despite the dark voice, despite grief and disappointment, despite the pain of landing on my butt one more time - I choose to do my best today and to strive ahead, even with faltering steps.

To all you who have fallen,

You have my compassion.

I leave the last word to the Psalmist:

"When I consider your heavens,

    the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

    which you have set in place,

what is humankind that you are mindful of them,

    human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels

    and crowned them with glory and honor.

You made them rulers over the works of your hands;

    you put everything under their feet"

(Psalm 8)

Boldly standing with you,
Pastor Bill

reach up

a hand

reaches for you

a strong hand

holding you

steadying you

a hand

of freedom

safety

love

Breathe

walk

dance

[First published March 27, 2013]